Seethings

I've had this seething anger, this wretched bitterness lodged in my heart for a long time now...ever since I saw the pictures of those abandoned children in Bulgaria.

I've been angry at God.
I've believed He isn't good.

Because, how could He--the One who said "let the children come to me"--let the most innocent and vulnerable suffer torture?
I still don't know, and my heart turns away. I shake my fist, I scream, and I flip him off. And I hate my hard heart. {and I wish He would punish me}

Who am I, to tell God what he should do?
Who am I, to say he is a liar and to say he isn't who he says he is?

I just felt a calm whisper--maybe it was Him?--that He gave me this heart for a reason.
That my heart is broken like his is broken...that He feels it too and hates it. That all this anger and sadness and wild-eyed hatred of an abusive world is not supposed to turn me away from Him.

{And it must be said...I am so confused...I love and I reject God in the same second. Honestly, mostly reject Him.
"Wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
Oh Lord, help my unbelief!!!!}